Saved post from Spring 2012

Wow.

I took a four month blog-cation without really even realizing it.

To update:

I finished my first semester of grad school with all A's! Score!
Things have continued to go well with school and internship. I have gained kids and lost kids and finally feel like I'm on top of everything (internship-wise). 

It continues to amaze me how much you can feel like you've grown up in such a short amount of time. Every once in awhile my mind drifts back to feeling so nervous about attending the MSW program orientation. Had to make sure my hair looked just right and not really knowing what to expect. I had no idea that the people I met that day and a few days later would be the people that hold such a special place in my heart now.

In the program you're either around people 16 hours a week or 32+ hours a week. It's kind of hard not to get really close to them. They also separate you into "cohorts" which are groups of about 25 people that essentially move from class to class with you. Twenty-four other people and I have gone to class 16 hours a week together since August. We've become a big family and I just feel acceptance. It's a crazy thing to finally feel accepted for who you are.

Day by Day

I'm a bad blogger. Left this only a few months into my first year.

Update: I'm almost finished with my MSW. Scary, I know.

The MSW program has been such a wild adventure. The time has flown by. Each day has been such a mixture of emotions.

As I write this, I'm supposed to be working on my thesis.

I thought writing here might clear my brain out a little to help me with the thesis-writing process.

I didn't realize how difficult grad school was until this semester. The pressure is immense. All in the last semester you're simultaneously getting into the hard part of your thesis, collecting data, applying for jobs, going on interviews, trying to keep up in your classes, dreaming of what you're going to do when you graduate, worrying about whether or not you'll have a job post-grad and be able to pay your bills, trying to maintain relationships with everyone in your life, performing well at internship and becoming an expert at saying "I'm sorry, I can't. I really need to work on my thesis."

I graduate on May 30th and I defend my thesis on May 14. This leaves me very little time to get my shit together.

I'm convinced that if I just stop sleeping and invent a way to IV-stream coffee into my veins, I might be able to survive this semester.

While everything that is happening is awesome, it is also sucky. I'm so stressed and I feel like none of this is fair to my fiance, who works hard during the week and wants to (rightly so) play on the weekends. Guilt is a major theme. We played this weekend and while I really did enjoy it, I got like.....very little done on anything and now I'm stressing.

Everything is dependent on me graduating and getting a job immediately. Being able to pay our bills, being able to potentially move to a nicer place, saving for a wedding, and starting the rest of our life. I'm doing everything that I can to make it happen but it's just so much pressure. So much to worry about on top of everything else.

I'm trying to keep moving forward. Keep working. Keep pushing harder. Not allowing myself to give up, crumble or break down. But, the crushing feeling in my chest sometimes leaves me feeling like I can't breathe.

As they tell us in my program all the time "practice self-care!" I don't know what my methods of self-care are. I feel like there's limited time to practice self-care and when I do anything other than working on stuff for school or thesis the feelings of guilt are immense.

I can't wait until I've gotten through this and graduated and can look back upon this semester as a major hurdle I was able to overcome.

But, at this point, it feels so overwhelming and daunting and I just have to take it day by day.