Day by Day

I'm a bad blogger. Left this only a few months into my first year.

Update: I'm almost finished with my MSW. Scary, I know.

The MSW program has been such a wild adventure. The time has flown by. Each day has been such a mixture of emotions.

As I write this, I'm supposed to be working on my thesis.

I thought writing here might clear my brain out a little to help me with the thesis-writing process.

I didn't realize how difficult grad school was until this semester. The pressure is immense. All in the last semester you're simultaneously getting into the hard part of your thesis, collecting data, applying for jobs, going on interviews, trying to keep up in your classes, dreaming of what you're going to do when you graduate, worrying about whether or not you'll have a job post-grad and be able to pay your bills, trying to maintain relationships with everyone in your life, performing well at internship and becoming an expert at saying "I'm sorry, I can't. I really need to work on my thesis."

I graduate on May 30th and I defend my thesis on May 14. This leaves me very little time to get my shit together.

I'm convinced that if I just stop sleeping and invent a way to IV-stream coffee into my veins, I might be able to survive this semester.

While everything that is happening is awesome, it is also sucky. I'm so stressed and I feel like none of this is fair to my fiance, who works hard during the week and wants to (rightly so) play on the weekends. Guilt is a major theme. We played this weekend and while I really did enjoy it, I got like.....very little done on anything and now I'm stressing.

Everything is dependent on me graduating and getting a job immediately. Being able to pay our bills, being able to potentially move to a nicer place, saving for a wedding, and starting the rest of our life. I'm doing everything that I can to make it happen but it's just so much pressure. So much to worry about on top of everything else.

I'm trying to keep moving forward. Keep working. Keep pushing harder. Not allowing myself to give up, crumble or break down. But, the crushing feeling in my chest sometimes leaves me feeling like I can't breathe.

As they tell us in my program all the time "practice self-care!" I don't know what my methods of self-care are. I feel like there's limited time to practice self-care and when I do anything other than working on stuff for school or thesis the feelings of guilt are immense.

I can't wait until I've gotten through this and graduated and can look back upon this semester as a major hurdle I was able to overcome.

But, at this point, it feels so overwhelming and daunting and I just have to take it day by day.